Some Days

Goodbye 2023

It’s the end of the year and so many, many people are doing year-end wrap ups or year in review posts. I considered it. Mapped one out in my mind and frankly got depressed. This was a difficult year for me. The most difficult one in a very long time. And I’m certain there is growth to be had in unburying the corpses and investigating them, but honestly, I just don’t have the energy for that.

There’s no way to untangle the personal losses from the professional ones, and I’ve spend the last half of the year focused on figuring out how to heal. Adding that to the current, tragic state of so many parts of the world and the looming election—which is, frankly, terrifying—it can be difficult to stay upright.

I’ve done many things I’m proud of, including getting out of bed each morning and getting dressed. Writing many more days than I didn’t. Traveling and speaking and teaching and going to the grocery store (which on some days is a huge win).

I’m working on cultivating and nurturing the habits that are helping me to face each day, so this will be a post about gratitude. Amidst the struggles this year brought me, there was always gratitude. For health, for family and friendships, for acquaintances and virtual strangers reaching out with messages of comfort. For surprises that made me smile. For moments of everyday magic that help me remember all of the above.

Even scarred and limping and heartbroken, I am incredibly grateful. Because beneath all the pain, this year has also brought wonderful things too. The shadows and darkness obscure them. They are the creaking hinge that drowns out the sounds of laughter. But to quote a character in a novel that doesn’t come out until next summer, “Those shadows can’t win forever… One little flame scares [them] away.”

There’s a very simple affirmation that I discovered from a teacher on the Insight Timer app—I wish I could remember who. It goes: “I am happy. I am healthy. I am wealthy. I am successful. I am strong.” I repeat the words knowing all of those things are true even when every single one feels false. But even if both the statement and its opposite are true at the same time, I have the ability to choose which one to believe. And if I choose well, my life will turn in that direction. I believe that 100%.

So maybe I’ll do a year in review after all. I finished two books that will be released next year. I did my first ever school visits as an author for a middle school and a high school. I was paid by two different companies for the rights to adapt my work for the screen. My book won an award. I spoke to and taught hundreds of authors. I went to conferences and retreats. I came up with an uncountable number of new ideas. I created.

And yes, I lost as well, because life includes the wins and losses. My editor left my publisher. I parted ways with my agent and my therapist. My marriage ended.

But at the end of the day, I remind myself that I am happy. I am healthy. I am wealthy. I am successful. I am strong. Because I really am. Even when I’m crying, or motivating myself to get out of bed, or reworking my budget, or feeling the tendrils of imposter syndrome choking me, or wishing I was stronger.

The writing, as it has since I was five years old, helps. While I was packing up to move into my new apartment, I unearthed a stack of my old stories written during my tween and teen years. I still haven’t dredged up the courage to read them, but that might be a nice year end activity. Review what brought me here. See how far I’ve come.

I can go into a bookstore and pick up a book that I wrote from the shelf. I can scroll through messages sent by people for whom a story from my brain was one of their favorite reads. I am warm and comfortable and well-fed and healthy.

And I’m excited about the stories I’ll be writing next year. And hopefully for many years to come.

It is well known (by a tiny number of people) that Audra McDonald is my favorite singer. One song that I’ve been listening to a lot recently is “Some Days,” which is a James Baldwin poem put to music. I wasn’t familiar with the poem before hearing the song¹. The first verse is:

Some days worry
some days glad
some days
more than make you mad.
Some days,
some days, more than shine:
when you see what's coming
on down the line!

The new year is coming on down the line and what we focus on will grow. Our attention and energy will nurture the things we target.

Thank you for being here. And whether your 2023 was wondrous or woeful, the only certainty is change. My hope is that we navigate the peaks and valleys of the new year together with grace.

Happy New Year.

1. You can view the original typewritten version written to his sister on her birthday, here: https://nmaahc.si.edu/object/nmaahc_2011.99.18